#011: Biblical Sexuality Part 5 - Implementing God's Design for Sex
Welcome to the Courage Reclaim podcast, where our mission is to help Christian men break free from what holds them back, fall madly in love with Jesus, and become the leaders he's called and created us to be.
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Since the beginning of time and original sin, humans have always been afraid that their sin would keep them from the love they so desperately crave. Think back to Adam and Eve, who, once they realized that they had sinned, realized that they were naked and exposed and they hid. We hide too. This is what's so powerful about first John 4:18, which states that faith in Christ's love casts out fear. When we know our sins will be forgiven and love not withdrawn, it becomes much easier to expose our sin As this vulnerability breeds deeper intimacy again, what we so desperately crave.
In Our Bodies Tell God's Story, Christopher West says, "This is the kind of love that spouses are meant to share with one another. The love that allows them to be naked and without shame. To see and know each other with all the peace of the interior gaze as we know well, it's at the deepest spiritual level of our humanity, not merely the physical, that we are afraid of our own nakedness and thus find ourselves hiding. True love, however, is not afraid of the other person's warts.
In fact, the strength of such a love emerges most clearly when the beloved person stumbles, when his or her weakness or even sins come into the open One who truly loves does not then withdraw his love, but loves all the more loves in full consciousness of the other shortcomings and faults for the person, as such never loses his or her essential value. The indispensable path to learning how to love in this healing, redemptive way is learning how to pray in this healing and redemptive way. As with the parable of the tax collector and the Pharisee who went to the temple to pray shows us the self-righteous put masks on when they pray. Repentant sinners who trust in God's love, take them off. That parable is in Luke 18:9-14. In true intimate prayer, we let the Lord love us as we really are, and we let that love purify us so that we can become who we are meant to be in turn, by receiving the divine love by which we are loved, we can become human signs of that love to others. And that is what marriage is all about."
Friends, I have been in a position where I so desperately wanted my wife to know everything, so that I wouldn't be walking around in constant shame for the ways that I had betrayed her, acted out again.
And it's utterly crippling. And it's not fair for us to expect the wives who we have betrayed to have this kind of grace with us when we have done absolutely nothing to deserve it. And that is one of the powerful things about recovery groups. By getting plugged into, for example, a 7 Pillars of Freedom group, through Pure Desire, you have the opportunity to connect with other guys who are also on their journey to freedom. And for me, getting plugged into a group like this was the first time I had ever experienced being able to share what I struggled with, both in the past and in the present, and experience love and grace. It felt like I was experiencing the gospel. This was the first time that me exposing my own sin actually led people to feel more connected with me. That is what we so desperately need in our recovery journeys. And again, it's not fair to expect our wives to be able to be that person right out of the gate. If there's a background, for example, of betrayal, dishonesty, lying like there was with my wife and my story. And the goal would be because, again, the goal of marriage, the purpose of marriage is to convey the unity between Christ and His church, the love between Christ and His church.
The goal would be for a marriage to be at a place of such deep unity that the spouses can be completely vulnerable with each other and not withdraw love, but work together toward constantly rebuilding unity and building it in more intimate ways. But as you begin this recovery journey, I encourage you to lead by example. Show her love when she messes up. Show her love and grace and forgiveness when she doesn't measure up to your expectations. Lead by example in being vulnerable and transparent with her. She may not be at a place where she feels like she knows how to show you the grace that you so desperately need, but bring her into the struggle is going to be a vital part of your recovery journey, and your marriage. Getting to a place where it is living up to what God designed it to be. But again, I encourage you to get plugged into recovery groups where you can experience that kind of grace in your life. We live in a culture that worships sex, whether it's porn, gender identity, masturbation, sex outside of marriage, literally the list is endless. Sex, however, is not something to be worshiped. Rather, it is a means of worship. Sex should draw us closer to God and to our spouse. To quote Rick Warren, you cannot value something when you don't understand its purpose.
Anytime we forget God's purpose for any of his gifts, that gift is going to be misused, abused, confused wasted, perverted, and even destroyed. This is a big part of why we are going through this biblical sexuality series, because there is so little understanding on what did God create sex for outside of procreation, and it is so incredibly remarkable. So as we conclude this series on biblical sexuality, let's concisely answer some of the most pressing questions facing our culture and our families today:
Why did God create two genders?
God created humanity to show us his character of love and to marry us. God created two genders, one to represent him and one to represent his people that he's head over heels in love with. This is why God created two genders, and why the institution of marriage which he created is only permitted between one man and one woman. Marriage wasn't created primarily for our pleasure or convenience, rather to convey God's loving character toward his people. By two guys getting married or engaging sexually, they are not mirroring Christ and the church because they're one and the same. They are two men. Same thing with two women. Marriage was designed by God to be between one man and one woman for life.
Beyond procreation, why did God create sex?
Sex was created by God as a celebration of the unity between a man and a woman in covenant marriage. This points toward the celebration of the marriage supper of the Lamb in Revelation.
Why does God limit sex to within marriage?
You know how a gun's power, when used rightly, can save a life, but that same power to save a life, if used wrongly, can be used to destroy countless lives. Similarly, God designed sex with the power of celebrating and promoting intimacy when used for this purpose. It is a powerful gift. However, if we wield the power of sex outside of how God designed it, it will always lead to the deepest of hurt and despair.
Biblically, what does a healthy sex life actually look like?
As we've discussed, Sex is designed to be a celebration of the unity between the husband and wife, portraying Christ's unity with his church. This is the essence of the gospel and is worth celebrating regularly. However, if there is something inhibiting unity between spouses that should be addressed first. Husbands should not take this, nor Paul's words, not to abstain from sex for prolonged periods of time with your spouse as a license to pressure your spouse. Instead, see it as an opportunity to do the hard but important work of pursuing your wife, loving her well, developing an intimate relationship with her, and let regular sex be the celebration of the unity as it was designed to be.
Is all sex within marriage okay?
Sex being designed as a celebration of the unity between husband and wife means sex that doesn't promote unity is dangerous and outside God's design. To list a few examples of sex within marriage that falls outside of God's design one. A spouse forcing or coercing the other spouse to engage sexually. Role playing as though the two individuals in the marriage are strangers. Involving other people, including via pornography. Lusting after, or masturbating to photos of one's spouse.
My friend I lived a life trapped, addicted to using sex for my own pleasure outside of how God designed it in the form of pornography and masturbation. I couldn't imagine life without it. And I can tell you with complete confidence that only engaging with marriage and sex how God designed them, have brought me so much more joy than I could have ever imagined. So no matter where you are or what you've done, know that we serve a God who is able to redeem any part of your life that you are willing to submit to him. Will you submit your marriage, your gender, and how you engage with sex to the way your creator designed it?
My friend. With Christ, there is always hope!
