#004: Biblical Submission & Addiction
Welcome to the Courage Reclaim podcast, where our mission is to help Christian men break free from what holds them back, fall madly in love with Jesus, and become the leaders He's called and created us to be.
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Biblical submission and addiction two topics that are incredibly taboo. However, the lack of conversation on these topics is absolutely contributing to people remaining trapped in addiction and those who have experienced betrayal trauma, preventing them from getting the help and resources they need. So let's go ahead and dive into it, starting with what is submission? Let's parse out this word submission. What is the mission? Biblical submission is an opportunity for a wife to step into. It is not a club for a husband to wield in our freedom loving society. We detest the concept of submission. However, it really depends on what we're submitting to. What's the mission we are putting ourselves under or sub c, I would have no problem putting myself under my wife's mission of making a steak dinner. I like that mission. I would be happy to run to the store to get Ribeyes to help her fulfill that mission. So when the New Testament talks about submission within marriage, what is the mission that our wives are called to fall under? We're given a number of missions in Scripture, including loving the Lord our God with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength.
We're given the mission of the Great Commission or making disciples. We, as husbands are also called to imitate Christ's love for his church in our relationship with our wife, we are called not to wield authority over our wife, but rather to lead in modeling sacrificial love to her. What about decisions that fall outside of that mission, for example, where to go to dinner? Or whether you should go golfing on Saturday or take the kids so your wife can have a break, or whether to have sex tonight if your wife is exhausted. See, loving your wife as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her means that you are primarily looking out for, what would your wife want? What would your wife find joy in? And seeking to use your biblical headship to help bring about the greatest manifestation of sacrificial love for her possible? So where to go to dinner? If I want to go out to Mexican food and my wife wants to go out to Thai food. Showing biblical headship should look like me, suggesting that we go out to Thai food. If my wife is feeling too exhausted for us to be able to connect intimately over sex, then how about I suggest I give her a back massage without any expectations of sex so as to help her relax into sleep? See, biblical headship and submission is not a license for selfishness, but rather a call to sacrificial love.
And what ends up happening if this is implemented, is both parties then begin fighting for the other person instead of fighting each other for their own needs and wants. It's a beautiful thing. Now, what does this have to do with addiction recovery? Let's be honest. What is our actual mission? Our missions are oftentimes not missions that have been given by God through Scripture, but rather seeking to implement our own happiness and comfort. While I was in the midst of addiction and my mission was focused on pleasure and protecting my sin and avoiding discomfort, this is not a biblical mission, and telling my wife to submit to this mission would be the pinnacle of selfishness. And yet we often, when we're in recovery, we want to wield our headship by, for example, refusing to join a recovery group or refusing to go to counseling or insisting that our spouse keep our struggle a secret even though they could really use processing through what they're experiencing with other people. It could also look like resisting boundaries that she requests when my wife found out about my struggle. And she wanted to begin reducing the amount of apps on my phone, locking down my phone, my the thought that came to mind was, I am an adult, I do not need these boundaries.
Again, my mission was more oriented toward protecting my sin, avoiding the discomfort and inconvenience of not having those apps that I wanted and not on a godly mission. See, if we actually have a biblical mission, we will focus primarily on fighting sin so that we can better love the Lord. Focused on fighting sin to protect my wife and my marriage. A wife who becomes a prayer warrior by recognizing her fight is against spiritual forces that have a hold on her husband and not her husband himself, is better at filling the role of spiritual leader than a husband who resists boundaries to protect his own sin. My friends, I know that exact scenario yielding our headship in the aftermath of betrayal. We are absolutely perverting God's design. Additionally, we're putting a bad taste of headship and submission in our wife's mouth. See, you cannot force respect from someone. Rather, it is earned. It is given. A wife therefore respects her husband in proportion to her perception of how much he deserves. A husband should not, therefore get angry by the deficit between the respect he feels he deserves and the respect he's offered. Alternatively, he ought to seek to become a better man, a man of character, a man of God. If he does, this, respect will eventually follow. The best way to pursue healing in your life, in your betrayed wife's life and your marriage, is to start by taking initiative with your healing and with implementing a godly mission.
If we're not willing to take our biblical headship seriously, how can we expect our wife to take biblical submission seriously? We are called to lead by example. This could look like getting into a recovery group. This likely looks like getting into professional counseling. I mean, at the very least, start with taking the free breaking free course on the Courage Reclaimed website. It'll help you get a lay of the land of what the recovery process typically looks like, how to help your wife heal, what her healing journey typically looks like, and a lot more than that. Look for opportunities to sacrifice your comfort for growth and healing. Courage, integrity, respect, and probably most of the qualities that you appreciate about a person or admire about a person come through difficulty and not from avoiding it. Journey the journey. If you're married, it is a incredibly difficult process and takes an incredible amount of courage, but it is absolutely worth it. I'll leave you with two questions for your consideration.
Am I asking my wife to submit to my own selfish mission or a biblical mission?
What is one step I can take toward implementing a biblical mission and leading by example?
