How to Discuss the Birds and the Bees
In the church we have a tendency to see sex as taboo and maybe a bit perverse leading to the two most common approaches to the “sex talk” with kids being:
Avoiding the conversation outright and expecting others to equip them (parents, school, church)
Purity Culture - Use fear, false promises and bribery to coerce behavior.
Fear: “If you have sex before marriage you are ‘damaged goods’.”
False Promises: “If you remain a virgin, God will bless you with a great marriage and a faithful wife.”
Bribery: “I’ll give you this purity ring if you promise not to have sex before marriage.”
Yes, sex is ideally saved for marriage, but not due to fear bribery or assuming God will give you a perfect spouse.
We save sex for marriage because of the immense meaning, value and purpose behind it!
How and if we approach this topic has tremendous impact on how our children see God and those around them.
If we don’t address it, culture will shape their view, likely leading to a worldview crisis as what they learned at home/church clashes with what they experience in the “real world”.
If we lean on threats like fear and bribery and don’t share God’s purpose for sex, we misconstrue the very heart of God.
Have you been given the sex talk? Beyond body parts coming together, can you articulate why God created sex (beyond procreation)?
God is love, He is the creator and sustainer of love. No love exists apart form Him. If we look at Scripture as a whole, it starts with God in intimate relationship (marriage) with His people (Adam and Eve). In Genesis 3, an act of disobedience is humanity’s filing of divorce from intimate relationship with God. Also in Genesis 3, God foreshadows that He’ll continue pursuing His people and to make a way for His people to marry Him again, this time, for eternity. Scripture then concludes with God marrying His church in Revelation 21. Genesis to Revelation tells the story of God’s reckless pursuit of His wayward bride.
The Gospel (good news) in five words then is “God wants to marry us." (Quoted from Our Bodies Tell God’s Story by Christopher West)
He doesn’t want to love you from a distance, He wants to know you intimately and wants you to know Him and His love intimately.
Human marriage is a sign, given by God to remind us that God wants to marry us.
Sex is designed to be the pinnacle of human intimacy which is why Scripture often discusses adultery in the same breath as idolatry. Both are pursuing one thing over the best thing.
Sex is designed to be a celebration of the intimacy that exists in a marriage, resembling the future celebration of our marital intimacy with Christ.
Notice, while sex can further intimacy, that’s not the primary goal/purpose. It is a celebration of the unity, the intimacy that already exists. This means, if a member in the couple wants to have sex more often, they should not force or coax it. Instead, they should pursue deeper unity and intimacy in other ways and allow sex to be a celebration of the overarching unity.
If you want more depth on God’s purpose in creating sex, check out the series we did on Biblical Sexuality.
When we start the conversation with two taboo/private body parts coming together, it feels awkward.
When we start with the narrative depicting God’s grand design for sex and the reason it’s a gift, it becomes much more natural and beautiful.
In reading this, if you don’t feel like you have a grasp on why God designed sex how He did, please, don’t abandon your kids to culture or threats. Having grown up in a purity culture church and never getting a “sex talk” at home, I’ve come to realize that in avoiding the discomfort of these “awkward” conversations, were setting our kids up for pain and suffering.
That’s the flip side.
Sex having the power/importance of deep intimacy, also means it has tremendous power to inflict pain if misused. This is why sexual abuse and betrayal cuts so deeply. It’s not just body parts coming together, it’s forcing intimacy without caring to pursue intimacy. This conveys the other person is of no more value than an inanimate object to be used.
Start by learning about God’s design for marriage/sex, then implement it in your own marriage, and share with your kids in ongoing, age-appropriate fashion.
