Sticky Scriptures: Ephesians 5:3-6
3 “But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints. 4 Let there be no filthiness nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving. 5 For you may be sure of this, that everyone who is sexually immoral or impure, or who is covetous (that is, an idolater), has no inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God. 6 Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience.” (ESV)
How can someone who is struggling with sexual sin read this passage and not be overcome with shame and condemnation?
What hope is there for the Christian sex addict?
The Scalpel
Sticky: difficult to understand in light of one’s current situation.
There is no debate that these verses are hard to read. Especially as a sex addict. We study these passages and feel a terrible sense of dread. Verse 3 in the NIV reads, “...there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality...”. If we’re being honest with ourselves, we don’t even come close to reaching the standard of perfection Paul describes. You might even feel a sense of anger. How could God expect so much? Doesn’t he know how difficult it is? Why is he being so “unrealistic?”
Thankfully, Scripture does not leave us without hope.
But the discomfort and fear you feel when reading these verses is worth exploring. Actually, it’s necessary.
When I read passages like these, I often feel a powerful urge to downplay or explain them away by pointing to other more positive passages in Scripture that put the spotlight on grace instead of on my sin. But doing so causes us to miss some vital truth that God intends for us to hear.
Paul predicts this natural urge to deflect when he writes in verse 6, “Let no one deceive you with empty words...” We want to find a way to justify the compromises we make in our lives. But Paul isn’t going to let us. Like a skilled surgeon, Paul wields the scalpel of God’s Word to cut at the diseased thinking of our minds. We would be fools to try and blunt his blade.
The Ephesian church, the original recipients of Paul’s letter, were living in a pagan culture that very much mirrors our own. Sexual perversion, immorality and idolatry was rampant and commonplace (see parallel passages in 1 Corinthians 6:9-10 and Colossians 3:5-6). The people worshiped over 50 different pagan gods including Artemis, the Greek fertility goddess, with her grossly exaggerated sexual features and innumerable temple prostitutes.
The society we live in today worships many gods, but especially the gods of self and sex. We are constantly flooded with sensual media, suggestive advertising, and public immodesty. We are so desensitized to impurity and immorality, we don’t even recognize it when it’s right in front of us. Warning passages such as Ephesians 5:3-7 are meant to shock our systems, to wake us up to this desensitization: “Awake, oh sleeper, and arise from the dead!” (v. 14).
Paul is trying to correct our thinking about sin and readjust our understanding of what holiness really looks like. God is holy, righteous and deadly serious about sin, even in the tiniest doses. We should be too.
Shame: Hurtful or helpful?
When you hear the word shame, what comes to mind? These days shame is a dirty word. No one is ever supposed to feel shame. We’re supposed to love and accept ourselves, no matter what. That’s what Disney and Oprah have always told us, right? But is this biblical?
Shame is a subjective feeling of guilt or remorse. Whether it’s helpful or hurtful depends on whether it’s misplaced or not. If I feel shame for being 6’ 3” I am experiencing misplaced shame. There’s nothing wrong with being tall (unless you’re trying to fly or find pants that fit). But if I watch porn and feel shame about it, I’m experiencing well placed shame because I did something shame-full.
Even well-placed shame can be unhelpful, however, depending on our response to it.
There are at least two responses to shame shown in Scripture. The first response can be illustrated by looking at Adam and Eve. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating the forbidden fruit and as a consequence, felt shame (Gen. 3). When the Lord came for his evening walk with his image bearers, what were they doing? Hiding. Let’s call this toxic shame. This is when our shame is well-placed due to our actions but then we run from God and hide. Toxic shame encourages us to isolate and escape to the darkness for perceived safety and comfort, instead of to the foot of the cross.
This is exactly what the Devil wants. There is no useful purpose for toxic shame. It’s a tool of the enemy, and he thrives on it.
But there’s another response to well-placed shame. Let’s call it godly shame.
In Luke 18, Jesus tells us a parable of two men, one a pharisee and the other a tax collector, who went to the temple to pray. In the presence of God, the religious leader boasted of his self- righteousness, listing off his numerous spiritual accomplishments. No remorse for any sin. In fact, there’s no acknowledgement of being a sinner at all.
Meanwhile, the tax collector stood far off with his head bowed in sorrow. He knew what a screw-up he’d been. He knew how badly he’d transgressed against God. He was ashamed of what he’d done. And he’s right to feel shame over his sin. Sin is a shameful thing. It’s a slap in God’s face.
But the tax collector didn’t run. He didn’t succumb to toxic shame. Instead, he cried out, “God, have mercy on me, a sinner.” He didn’t let fear drive him away from God. He took his sin to God in a spirit of repentance and faith.
Jesus said it was the tax collector, not the pharisee, who went home justified.
A godly response to shame is feeling the heavy weight of sorrow over our sin and taking that sorrow and guilt to God in repentance. That kind of sorrow is a worthy force to be reckoned with, because it’s meant to drive us into the capable arms of Christ.
The Holy Spirit uses godly shame to awaken our souls to the presence of sin in our lives. He uses passages like Ephesians 5:3-7 and others to help produce the awareness and sorrow that lead us to repentance.
So what is the recovering Christian sex addict to do when he feels shame after reading a passage such as Ephesians 5:3-6?
Put off the old self
To answer that, lets examine the previous chapter of Ephesians. In 4:17, Paul urges the church to no longer walk like the Gentiles, in the futility of their minds. Their understanding is darkened, they're alienated from God, and they’re ignorant due to a hard heart. They are callous to sin, Paul says, and they have given themselves up to sensuality, greedy to practice every kind of impurity.
Paul describes this state of being as “the old self.” This is the state of man, apart from Christ. This is your “former manner of life” (v. 22) and it is corrupt.
Instead of continuing in sin, Paul says we are to put on the new self. We do this by having our minds renewed: “be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness” (v. 23). This exhortation is also found in Romans 12:2, where Paul encourages us to not be conformed to the pattern of this world, but to be transformed by the renewing of [our] minds.
Renew your mind
How do you renew your mind? I offer three steps.
First, stop feeding it garbage. Maybe it’s that funny TV show you’ve always watched but it has a ton of sexual innuendos. Maybe it’s listening to explicit music or gateway apps like Instagram or TikTok. We have to come to terms with the fact that what you expose your mind to actually matters.
We need to stop asking the question, “How close can I get to the line without crossing it?” and start asking how close we can get to Jesus.
Jesus said, “If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. If your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It’s better to lose just one part of your body and live than for your whole body to go to hell.” Jesus isn’t advocating for the literal mutilation of your body here. He’s telling you to do whatever it takes to get rid of those things in your life that cause you to sin, even if it’s painful. Extremely painful. Maybe it’s not worth it to have a smartphone. Maybe, just maybe, you need to get rid of your internet all together.
The point is, listen to the prompting of the Spirit. You know what you have to cut out of your life.
Second, you have to start feeding your mind the good stuff. If you want a good list, read Philippians 4:8. We need to focus our minds, regularly, on the life-changing truth of God’s word. “How can a young man keep his way pure?” the Psalmist asks. “By living according to your word” (Ps 119:9). How can we do that unless we know what God’s word says?
Renew your mind by filling it with truth from God himself. Read Psalms 19 and 119 to see how valuable and precious God’s word is. It will be difficult at first, but the more you spend time with God in Scripture, the easier it becomes.
Walk in the light
You might be thinking, “Oh great, another guy telling me to read the Bible more. I’ve tried that already and it doesn’t work.” But I’m not just saying to ONLY read your Bible.
I’m also telling you to cut the garbage out of your life along with reading your Bible. Believe it or not, these go hand-in-hand. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it. I don’t watch TV or movies by myself. I don’t have any apps on my phone that give me access to social media or the internet. I can’t even download new apps without using a password that only my wife knows. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it.
Here’s the third step:
Walk in the light.
Let’s go back to Ephesians 5. In verse 8 we read,
“8 for at one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light 9 (for the fruit of light is found in all that is good and right and true), 10 and try to discern what is pleasing to the Lord. 11 Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them. 12 For it is shameful even to speak of the things that they do in secret. 13 But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible...”
If you are in Christ, you are a child of the light. As a child of the light, you can’t have a life that is hidden in darkness.
That stuff that nobody knows about? It has power over you because it’s still in the dark. You need to bring that out into the light. You need to actually tell another human being about it. When we confess our sin to one another, we are healed (James 5:16). God uses other believers to show us his love, grace, and mercy.
That’s what the Recovery Groups are for. We’re supposed to walk in the light, but we can’t do it alone. Darkness and isolation give sin its power.
Once, a dad and his kids were cleaning their dirty house. The dad said, “Hey kids, wanna see me clean the house in 2 seconds?” “Yes!” they screamed. So, the dad turned the lights off.
Isn’t that how we try to “clean up our acts”? We try to shove the mountain of dirt under the rug and call it good. But that’s not what God wants. He wants to turn on the lights, throw open the windows and expose the junk. It’s painful. It’s humiliating. And yes, it’s even shameful. But it’s the only way to truly be clean, to truly be free: “Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy” (Proverbs 28:13).
Ephesians 5:3-7 is a sharp, cutting warning for those who want to minimize and downplay their sin. There’s no room for that in the kingdom of God. But if you’ve been doing that, don’t run from God. Run to God with godly sorrow and repentance. Confess your sin to a trusted brother and receive the grace and forgiveness that Christ offers you.
“The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise” (Psalm 51:17).
"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9).
Come back to him, brother. He will take you back. If you relapsed last night, expose it by bringing it into the light and receive the love and grace that God has for you.
But am I truly saved?
A question that Ephesians 5:3-6 creates for many readers is “Am I saved?” Or, “Am I saved, even if I struggle with the same sin over and over again? What if I’m actually one of those ‘sons of disobedience’?”
The short answer is, I don’t know. I don’t know your heart, only God does. There are many pastors, authors and teachers who instill a false confidence in their hearers that they are saved because it feels “icky” to do otherwise. But in the end, giving someone a false sense of security is the most unloving thing you could do.
Instead, let me ask you this question. What happens to you when you commit a secret sin, say watching pornography, and don’t get caught? Can you move on from it without feeling remorse or guilt or shame? Is it easy for you to ignore that sin?
Or, does a sin you commit in secret make you absolutely miserable? Does it keep you awake at night? Does it feel as if your bones are wasting away inside you (Ps 32:3)?
That might be the Spirit of God convicting you of your sin, and that’s actually a good thing.
If you are a true believer, God won’t let you keep sinning without disciplining you and bringing you back to him through repentance and faith. If you feel a deep remorse over your sin and you desire to forsake it, if you see progress on that front, you should feel encouraged. A believer’s walk is going to include failures, but it is also going to include growth and change. You won’t achieve perfection in this life, but thankfully, Christ is perfect for you.
