A Letter to my Dad from my 14 Year Old Self
You caught me viewing pornography.
Why are you screaming at me? You never scream at me.
What rule did I break? I didn’t know there were things I wasn’t supposed to do on the computer.
I may seem emotionless, but I’m in shock. The truth is - I’m terrified.
It didn’t start this way. I became curious about sex, reproduction, and the female body… I felt embarrassed when I didn’t understand jokes and I felt at a loss as to why no one gave straight answers on how babies were born. But I was too afraid to ask.
I didn’t want to upset you, so I did the safe thing by asking Google my questions.
It started out great. I could ask Google anything I needed to know without fear of being judged. But then… I started finding things I hadn’t intended to find, and these things brought even more questions to my mind.
And before I knew it… well, you saw what was on my screen.
Have I lost your love? What will tomorrow look like? Will you love me then?
I don’t know why these inappropriate questions keep coming to mind, nor why I keep looking for things online, but I cannot stop. I feel like I’m sliding further and further into an inescapable trap. I want to scream for help, but I’m approaching adulthood. I want you to see me as strong and mature.
So I cry out to God every day begging, pleading with him to save me, or at least not forsake me… but I cannot hear his voice. Has my Heavenly Father withdrawn his love from me too?
In my heart, I’ve known this is wrong for some time. Have I committed the unforgivable sin? Am I going to hell?
I’m in over my head. I’m drowning and I need you to save me.
Dad, I need you to rise up and defend me against both Satan and myself, because I’m too weak. Please don’t think less of me for admitting this. I need you to have the courage and patience to walk with me through this over the long haul. Keep checking in with me frequently, even if it’s uncomfortable. I need to get more comfortable talking to you about this than the comfort I experience from acting out. I need you to pray with me and for me. You tell me you pray for me… but God seems silent to me and it will comfort me hearing what you’re saying to God about me.
More than anything, I need to know that you still love me. That you have not forsaken me as your son and that even if I stumble again and again, that you will always love me. Show me the Gospel.
Love,
Your 14-Year-Old Son
PS: The Lord has brought full reconciliation to our relationship and my father and I now share a deep relationship.
I share this post without an ounce of bitterness in my heart toward him. The goal of this post is to share vulnerably so men with similar stories know they’re not alone. Additionally, my hope is that parents reading this will be helped if they find themselves in similar position to my parents.
